we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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