I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
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Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
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What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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