Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
