Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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