he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
