So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
