Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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