i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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