I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
