He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
