eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.