just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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