put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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