Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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