New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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