Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
