my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
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i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
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Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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