I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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