I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea