I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
ok first of all what the fuck
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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