Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
