why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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