I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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