He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
