Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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