I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
