Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
