I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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