barbara walters just said penis...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The struggles of a small town man whore
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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