You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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