small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
