Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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