is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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