someone owes me an orgasm
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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