I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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