Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
