Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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