Soap is not a condiment
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
