SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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