you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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