If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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