I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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