My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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