This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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