Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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