nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
