the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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