Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
