Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
