i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
