I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
