can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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