is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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