You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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