you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
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The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
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Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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