My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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