I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
