Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Terrible idea I love it
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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